When we moved to China, the student recruitment at my school was too low, and so they asked me to move to another school where they did not have a foreign principal. This school also subsequently struggled with student recruitment, and they decided to delay the start of high school. As it was too late for me to find another position, we had no choice but to have my daughter attend school at another campus in our school group. Sadly that campus is around 6 hours travel away from my school.
It was a sombre day for us when our family had to split, and for the last two years, I have only seen my wife and daughter a handful of times each year. My son also left home to start his university studies on another continent. Many families experience this, but it is not what I imagined life would serve us. I consoled myself with the thought that as a teenager, I was unlikely to “see” my daughter except at meals, and even then the conversation would be at best curt and efficient, if not sullen. Access to social media allowing dynamic communication has allowed us to connect, softening the blow of distance. It, however, did not mute the sadness welling up.
With the arrival of the COVID 19 virus impacting the ability to travel, it was unclear if I would be able to spend time with my wife and children this summer holiday. Fortunately, it turned out to be possible, and I am writing this on the fast train back to my city after spending just under a week with them. However, it is bittersweet, as the time had not been as satisfying as I had hoped. I knew when heading down that my daughter would be busy with her study as she heads into her 12th grade and the second year of the International Baccalaureate Diploma. However, I felt my family was rushing to nowhere and not taking the time to smell the roses together, not connecting as a family should. The malaise of having a teenager? Maybe, or could it be that we have lost sight of what is essential?
When not “doing things” like working on the computer, shopping for food, or eating, the focus in between seemed to be to move quickly and efficiently to the next engagement. Maybe it is because I am getting old, and can not walk as fast, or I am “old fashioned” as I think chatting is worth learning to do. But, when we moved from A to B, there was no looking, wondering, or exploring, just a determined focus to get there. When done, the goal was once again simply to return. I enjoyed the times when we were doing things, but I wanted to be “being” together, not just “doing”.
As a parent, I chose not to aggressively follow a career, delaying moving the school leadership and doing an EdD until the kids were older teenagers and less inclined to need you “with them” all the time. I made sure I said goodbye in the morning to everyone, was home for dinner each night, and spent most of my evenings and weekends being a dad. Yet now I find this seems for nought. As I search for wellness, I find my most precious resource, my real treasure lacking. We are social creatures who love and care. Wellness is not something we do alone.
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